i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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