There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
