In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
