If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
