I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
