the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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