Well douche your snatch and let's go!
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
