Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
