did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
