Please, let me fuck your mom
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
