wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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