I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
