well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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