I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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