Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
