dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
