I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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