the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
