I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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