I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
