Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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