fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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