Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Mom said you looked used
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.