and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You have to summon your inner elephant
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
