When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
