Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
