We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We need to get me chipped asap
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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