Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
