Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
