My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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