I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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