its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
