I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
