Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
