a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
