I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just had sex on a roof
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
