Someone shit on the floor
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
