Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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