We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
