weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
