My hand turned me down
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
