I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You pole danced in your parka.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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