About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
