I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
