dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
