I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
