There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
