they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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