Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
