one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
