My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.