I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
