I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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