Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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